Suicide

Suicide, wow what to say, its such a selfish, pointless, thing to do. The way i see it is if you hate your life so much then fix it, dont kill yourself. also, think of all the people you leave behind, and the trauma you cause them. I know we all get the feeling at least once, that maybe things would be better if we werent here, i know i do, but that doesnt mean im gonna go killing myself, you know.

Wednesday, I walk into math class and notice theres not quite something right with Ms Martinez** (** indicate substituted names used, as to keep identitys as secret as possible) Normally shes extreemly perky and ready to have fun any chance she gets, but today is different, shes really really upset. I walk over to her, and ask her, "ms martinez**, whats wrong" but instead of a worded reply she simply bursts into tears. After 10 or 15 minutes of listening to her cry, and hearing the story piece by peice, this is what i finally come up with:
Tuesday night she was home grading papers, when she heard the phone ring. Looking at the caller ID she sees the name of an old friend (whom even though shes in school with, she hasnt talked to in a while) Excided to talk to her she answers quickly, but instead of Marys** voice on the other end, she hears a mans voice. Marys** husband explains to her that a few hours ago Mary** had killed herself, leaving behind a class of third graders, three boys, a husband, and friends who cared so much about her. Ms martinez** is shocked, first off, she has never dealt with suicide before, she also didnt expect Mary** of all people to kill herself, she was so happy and funloving, no one would have guessed things were so hard for her. She created a facaed to cover up what her life was really like, the fact that she was really that depressed.

Ironically, a few nights before i was lieing in bed reading (define "normal" by Julie Ann Peters, good book, i highly recomend it) I come across a passage, it read:

"Tell me about Tamaras sister," she added
I tensed again, her fingers dug in
After a long deep breath i said, "she died last summer, Tamara called to tell me, and mom didnt give me the message." She probably wasnt lucid enough to write it donw, i didnt add.
"Typical" Jazz muttered, "how did she die?"
"I dont know, Tamara wouldnt tell me
Jazz said, "Probably commited suicide"
My head shot up, "no way!" i twisted around
She shrugged, "you never know"
"I do know" i twisted back, "Shelly wouldnt do that, she wasnt sick or depressed or anything, she was perfectally normal"
"what do you mean?"
I turned around again, "what do you mean what do i mean?"
"I mean whats you deffinition of 'normal'?" she said
I clucked my tounge "you know, normal, happy, healthy, someone with family and friends. Shelly had all kinds of friends, she was really popular"
"so if your not popular your not normal?"
"i didnt say that" did i?
Jazz added, "I have friends, and family, so i guess im normal"
I sighed, "theres more," i said, "you have goals and dreams, things you want to do with your life, you value life, you dont waste it, you dont waste yourself"
she shrugged. "Id agree with that, im just saying you never know people, not really" her finger dug in again
i wriggled out of her grasp and she resumed her seat, her eyes held mine for a long moment before staring off over my sholder "i had a friend in sixth grade who shot himself in the head" she said, "everyone though it was an accident, except me. I knew he did it on pourpose, i could have stopped him too,i sensed things werent right, if only id called him when he quit hanging out with us, if only id been a better friend."
"its not your fault" i said, "you didnt shoot him"
she met my eyes, "i might as well have" her head dropped, "were all responsible, we might as well have put the gun in his hand and pulled the trigger"
"no" i shook my head, "you cant feel responsible for everyone in the world, you just cant"
her head raised and her eyes widened, "really?"
i widened my eyes back "really" then more softly i repeated it, "really"


i dont think we realize how big of a deal suicide is untill it happens to us, just make you tell your friends and family you love and care for them, because you never know when they could be gone



a little poem i wrote a while back, when i was almost sure a friends was gonna kill herself:

Why
Why do you do this
Why do you chose to hurt yourself
Why do you think these things
When you know im here to help

Why
Why dont you trust me
With the pain of all your tears
When you know that i have been here
For all these painful years

Why
Why dont you listen
When i say that i need you
And tell you that i would die
If you just happened to

Why