pain in the ass

ok, so i found a new template, and ya its pretty cool, but i cant figure out how to get comments on it, so if u wanna comment on a blog just email it to me at shortstuff97@comcast.net and ill try to get comments on here asap

him again

taylor called this mornin. just when ive got him outta my head, and convinced im over him, he has to call me. just what i need. idk what im gonna do about all this taylor stuff, its just all too complicated, i hate to take self pity, but i wish hed jus leave me the hell alone

Ever wonder???

Have you ever felt like someones just constantally playin games with you, telling you somethings one way or another, and u beliving it. Have you ever wondered if your friends arent really your friends, if they only hang out with you so when your gone, they can laugh at how stupid you are. Ever felt like the ones who say they love you dont really love you at all, they only say they do, to see if you acctually belive it. Ever wonder if your whole reality is a facade, and youve been played your whole life. Ever feel as if nothing is as it seems

i have

Santa never came

so, this mornin i woke up, and i guess i was half expecting there to b presents under the tree like there always are, guess i 4got, 1) were jewish, therefore we dont rele celebrate xmas that much 2) the few presents that i do get for xmas were opened last night 3) theres no one to put presents under the tree n e way

dad picked me up around 9 to go snowboardin, that was pretty fun, except we left kinda early cuz i didnt feel good, plus the snow kinda suked n e way. We drove back down to my dads house, we were gonna go out to lunch, but i fell asleep in the car so we just went home, lolz.

around 10 35 we decided to go c if n e one still had their xmas lights up, not much luck there but we had fun driving to aimless places for an hour. lolz,

i came home, took a shower, and thats bout it, wow i guess my day seemed more eventfull when it was happening, now it just kinda seems boring

well happy chrismachanukwanzaka everyone, ill post lata, much love,

a blah xmas eve

so its xmas eve, nothin rele happened today, very blah and boring, no use postin bout it

dancin flatta-footed

well, today i had miranda over, we were really bored so we decided to walk down to target and sears for no apparent reason. unfortunatly this required walkin bout 2 miles in 2 degree weather with only a hoodie. can u say cold! lolz, umm then we sat at home for about an hour, talkin on line and stuff. then i want to dance, britt gave me a stuffed squirrel 4 xmas, that was cool, and i guess that was about my day

o, also, this morning me and an old x-best frnd had a huge fight, it was kinda funny, and then tonight we saw her in the grocery store, kinda weird

thats it, another uneventfull day in the life of me, umm well i guess its officially x-mas eve, seeing how it is 1-ish, so that means tomorow is xmas, kinda happy, kinda not, well c how that goes, gonna b a weird xmas thats 4 sure, well i gotta try to get some sleep, love always

where all the poetry goes

i decided to create a blog to put all my poetry in so all you lovely people can read it and laugh at how bad i am, the adress is www.poemsrkewl.blogspot.com have fun

its all comin back

this is the time of year, when it all starts to come back to me, december is never a good month for me, it was the month taylor left, the month maria died, and the month i always dread. I found out a friends dad died this morning, and i know how she must feel, maria was like a grand mother to me, no, more like a best friend, then she was diagnosed with kidney cancer, the doctor told her she had three months to live. Soon after the diagnosis she moved back to boise with her son. 5 months later she was restricted to her bed, it took all her energy just to pick up the phone and call us, just to talk for a few minutes. I could tell in her voice, she was going to die any day now, and i just wasnt ready for it. On december 29 we got a phone call from alex, her som, telling us that she passed away in her sleep last night, and the first thing she saw before she fell asleep was my picture.

That was almost a year ago, and i miss her more than ever, this will be my first xmas without her, and its hard, i just pray that shes happy, wherever she is> she guides me through my everyday activities, is the source of all my decisions. i know how upset she would be to know that my parents are seperating. ill miss you forever and always

lost in the land of lonly

last night me and jomama were up till 4 30 talkin to bryce and his frnd aaron on line, and it kinda hit me how much i still miss taylor. I know i say that im totally over him, but theres still a very large part of me thats in love with him, and i know that sounds all mushy gushy and shit but its how i feel right now. Im really not likin the bein single thing, but i dont wanna go out with some random jackass thatll treat me like a hoe, or some guy im never gonna c cuz he lives a billion miles away.
the best xmas present i could get right now would be a guy who truly loves and cares for me, and doesnt just think of me as his "eye candy" or what evr, but apparently theres no one out there for me, all my friends have bf's and it just makes me feel really unloved. Maybe im just bein stupid, but i really want a bf. well ttfn

Orangejuice-aholics annymous

ok, so ive decied that im going to start an orangejuice-aholics annymous help line, for all those other orange juice aholics out there (if there are n e) send me you story at kissthekrazy1@hotmail.com and i promise i will write back and try to help as much as possible, being addicted is nothing to be ashamed of, but im here to help if you would like to talk, i will keep you and all your problems annymous, i am only here to help, anything you tell me will stay in total confidentially, e mail me please, love always

(p.s. i know many of you out there are laughing very very hard, but trust me, it is a serious problem, though orange juice my be legal, it is just as bad as any other drug, trust me i know)

winter break!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

heck yes, it is winter break, im so frikin happy!!! Umm, friday night i spent the night at jomamas, sat i spent the night at bres, and tonight shes spendin the night here. Im really kinda bored and i have no idea what to write, but thats ok, so i guess ill go now, loves

Squirrel Apocolipse

While i was doing research for a science progect on squirrels (theyre quite facinating you kow) i came across a few funny, yet slightly dusturbing sights i think some of you might like

www.discosquirrels.com

www.squirrels.org

www.scarysquirrel.org

www.chainreaction.com/squirrels.htm

http://members.tripod.com/srl2/

www.geocities.com/SunsetStrip/Birdland/6682

go 2 them, i highly recomend the disco one, its lame at first but then its really funny, also, these are NOT porno sites, just 2 let u know

keystone science school

ok, so im back, heres how the week went

monday~ got on bus, took tons of pictures of nothing, slept, got 2 keystone, did orientation, set up bunks, learned how 2 cross country ski, ate lunch, skied more, ate dinner, did a really boring program on adaptations, went back to bunks, slept

tuesday~ got up, got ready 4 breakfast, went 2 breakfast, went 4 a 6 hour skiing trip, got really cold, came back 4 diner, went 4 a night hike and did light experiments that had to do with adaptations in the night, went 4 a midnight hike 2 look at stars, came back, slept

wednesday~ pretty much jjust went home


ok so i know i made it sound really boring, but it was acctually really fun, im just too tired to explain it in detail, lolz, but it was fun, well im gonna go sleep now, bye bye

does orange juice have sideaffects?

well, its sunday night, another weekend gone and passed, i have officially become addicted to orange juice, which is why i hope it has no sideaffects, like turning your skin pink, or making your hair fall out. I knew someone who drank nothing but applejuice and she got really fat from it, so i hope that doesnt happen either, o well orange juice is still good
tomorrow its off to keystone for 3 days, which means no real school work, but also it means i have to spend day and night with my teachers, ugh, o well. it also means bein stuck in the mountains with some really hot guys and some of my best frnds. No internet for 3 days though, i swear im gonna die, lolz.
last week b4 winter break, excitedness, im in much need of a break. My grades are really bad right now, im too embarrased to post them, and thats not good, because im normally a straight A student so my parentals are gonna freak, o well
i had drama club auditions on friday, which was cool, but i kinda messed up my song, so i dont think i got the part, but its all good, on thurs ms christine comes back to dance, no more evil teacher for a few weeks (those of you who know what im talking about know im verry happy about this) well i should go, ill try to post when i got back from keystone, loveness

Suicide

Suicide, wow what to say, its such a selfish, pointless, thing to do. The way i see it is if you hate your life so much then fix it, dont kill yourself. also, think of all the people you leave behind, and the trauma you cause them. I know we all get the feeling at least once, that maybe things would be better if we werent here, i know i do, but that doesnt mean im gonna go killing myself, you know.

Wednesday, I walk into math class and notice theres not quite something right with Ms Martinez** (** indicate substituted names used, as to keep identitys as secret as possible) Normally shes extreemly perky and ready to have fun any chance she gets, but today is different, shes really really upset. I walk over to her, and ask her, "ms martinez**, whats wrong" but instead of a worded reply she simply bursts into tears. After 10 or 15 minutes of listening to her cry, and hearing the story piece by peice, this is what i finally come up with:
Tuesday night she was home grading papers, when she heard the phone ring. Looking at the caller ID she sees the name of an old friend (whom even though shes in school with, she hasnt talked to in a while) Excided to talk to her she answers quickly, but instead of Marys** voice on the other end, she hears a mans voice. Marys** husband explains to her that a few hours ago Mary** had killed herself, leaving behind a class of third graders, three boys, a husband, and friends who cared so much about her. Ms martinez** is shocked, first off, she has never dealt with suicide before, she also didnt expect Mary** of all people to kill herself, she was so happy and funloving, no one would have guessed things were so hard for her. She created a facaed to cover up what her life was really like, the fact that she was really that depressed.

Ironically, a few nights before i was lieing in bed reading (define "normal" by Julie Ann Peters, good book, i highly recomend it) I come across a passage, it read:

"Tell me about Tamaras sister," she added
I tensed again, her fingers dug in
After a long deep breath i said, "she died last summer, Tamara called to tell me, and mom didnt give me the message." She probably wasnt lucid enough to write it donw, i didnt add.
"Typical" Jazz muttered, "how did she die?"
"I dont know, Tamara wouldnt tell me
Jazz said, "Probably commited suicide"
My head shot up, "no way!" i twisted around
She shrugged, "you never know"
"I do know" i twisted back, "Shelly wouldnt do that, she wasnt sick or depressed or anything, she was perfectally normal"
"what do you mean?"
I turned around again, "what do you mean what do i mean?"
"I mean whats you deffinition of 'normal'?" she said
I clucked my tounge "you know, normal, happy, healthy, someone with family and friends. Shelly had all kinds of friends, she was really popular"
"so if your not popular your not normal?"
"i didnt say that" did i?
Jazz added, "I have friends, and family, so i guess im normal"
I sighed, "theres more," i said, "you have goals and dreams, things you want to do with your life, you value life, you dont waste it, you dont waste yourself"
she shrugged. "Id agree with that, im just saying you never know people, not really" her finger dug in again
i wriggled out of her grasp and she resumed her seat, her eyes held mine for a long moment before staring off over my sholder "i had a friend in sixth grade who shot himself in the head" she said, "everyone though it was an accident, except me. I knew he did it on pourpose, i could have stopped him too,i sensed things werent right, if only id called him when he quit hanging out with us, if only id been a better friend."
"its not your fault" i said, "you didnt shoot him"
she met my eyes, "i might as well have" her head dropped, "were all responsible, we might as well have put the gun in his hand and pulled the trigger"
"no" i shook my head, "you cant feel responsible for everyone in the world, you just cant"
her head raised and her eyes widened, "really?"
i widened my eyes back "really" then more softly i repeated it, "really"


i dont think we realize how big of a deal suicide is untill it happens to us, just make you tell your friends and family you love and care for them, because you never know when they could be gone



a little poem i wrote a while back, when i was almost sure a friends was gonna kill herself:

Why
Why do you do this
Why do you chose to hurt yourself
Why do you think these things
When you know im here to help

Why
Why dont you trust me
With the pain of all your tears
When you know that i have been here
For all these painful years

Why
Why dont you listen
When i say that i need you
And tell you that i would die
If you just happened to

Why

snow snow and more snow

ok, so theres not really that much snow, but considering i couldnt think of what the hell to title it, it works. Ummm, lets see, i spent all weekend up in winter park with a ton of frnds, very fun. I attempted to snowboard that was kinda interesting, and i got run over by innertubes (seriously i did) lolz, now im sittin on the comp typing, WHAT A CONCEPT! justin and i broke up :( sadness, o well ill get ovr it hee hee well ive got nuttin else to say so ill go now, bye

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR and other stuff

ok, so ya im kinda pissed off, also kinda confused. The other night me and justin were talking online, and we were all happy and lovie dovie and shit right, but then the next night i was talking to him on a different scn and he was all like get away from me bitch, so i fugured it prolly wasnt justin. so i started to play games, and talk about somethings only justin would know, and just as i suspected "they" didnt know who it was. So i figured it was macy(justins ex), and told her i knew it was her, and she got all difensive, like omg i didnt do n e thing, and then she said she did, so i told justin, just cuz i was really mad at her (not tryin to be a tattle tale or ne thing but she kinda deserved it at the time) and justin called her and cussed her out. still followin me? ok well at this point in time justin got off line and macy went all of on me, shes like OMG I CANT BELIVE YOUR GOING OU TWITH JUSTIN, AND HE STILL LIKES ME, HE JUST DOESNT WANT TO BREAK YOUR HEART AND IM SO MUCH BETTER THEN YOU. all that shit, so i was like well u know what macy its not my fault he hates u now so you can stop being a whore and get outta my life!!!!!!11 ok well i didnt acctually say that but i sure wanted to.

thing is though, this isnt the first time macy has said something like justin still loves me and he misses me, but then when i ask justin if he still like her he pulls this whole, no i hate that hoe attitude, so i really dont know what to belive ne more, lets just say im prepared to br broken up with if the time comes, i just hope it doesnt come 2 soon. well well see wut happens


on another note, today was a pretty good day, long but good, explorer (the team most of my friends are on) went on a field trip so i was lonly, but i acctually ended up hangin with the "popular" girls at recess, but most of them are my friends n e way, so it was all good. I hate it how theyre so steriotyped as stuck up sluts, i mean even i get called a slut cuz i hang out with them, and theyre really not like that, but u know what evr, im babbeling again so ill go, love lots