Just now, i found a very old blog of mine, one i dont think ive written since the seventh grade. In addition, i edited and made it so its up and running again, so maybe ill addict myself to that blog again, in a new, more mature state. I should say im astonished as to how much ive changed, but frankly, im not. I am plenty aware that in no way am i the same person i was three years ago, i guess i just forgot how much ive really grown.
Writing makes me feel acomplished, like Im actually taking time to do something worth while, because we all know that writing a blog is worth while. Really though, i think i just need a moment to focus on my thoughts and just be in once place right now. Unfortunatly for you folks reading this, that place happens to be here.
I do believe its needless to say, the past few weeks have been quite eventful. Aside from your average Ariel drama, some things have deffinatly changed. Upon finishing up the play, i realized how much the stage really means to me. To some, acting is just that, acting. A place to be someone your not. For me, it is so much more. When i was young, i remember not being the happiest kid on the planet, but when i would act, when i would dance, things would just feel, right. I can remember times when i would cry on stage, because it was the only place i could feel emotion. I was passionate about the stage, the people, the performace. I still maintain that passion, but on a so much deeper level. Recently, i lost something dear to me, that i never imagined i would. (no, not my liver) My emotions are a mess, a big filthy mess, but not all in a negitive way; and tonight, when i went back to ballet after three weeks of missing it, i realized just how healing talent can be. Having something in me that i know ill never lose, something i love and cherish. I didnt need katie to tell me i was doing well, or Arielle or Erika to pat me on the back, or even mel to thank me for wearing a skirt for once, because it was all for me. Its always been for me. Until tonight, i didnt think anything was going to be ok. But standing in front of that mirror and just dancing, the one thing i know i can do, made me realize. Things dont always come easily. Im going to hurt for quite a while, and my court date on friday isnt going to help either. My insides are going to feel empty, and trying to shove something artificial into them isnt going to help the healing, only time. I thank my friends for holding my hand, i thank my daddy for still allowing me to love him no questions asked, and i thank myself, for being exactly who i am, and nothings going to change that.
Well, thats not where i expected to go with this, but i suppose sometimes, thoughts do just happen. I think im going to grab some tea, try and warm up my frigid little body. Perhaps ill keep with this thinking thing, maybe spend some time on my roof. But before i do that, i think there are a few people i need to remind of just how much i love them
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