Somethings Wrong With Baby

I've been having this really odd dream lately. One of those reoccuring ones, you know? Im walking down a highway, and a car keeps following me. I can never quite make out a color or a make, but i know its the same car each time. It pulls over, and for reasons beyond me, I willingly get in. Someone, whom i think is Lyn, pulls me in the back seat and starts to cuddle and comfort me, like she used to. Then another person, whom I cant identify, blindfolds me and pulls Lyn away from me. They drive for no more than five minutes, and Lyn lowers me out of the car and leaves me laying on the ground. The grass is warm and I can nearly feel dew pooling on my face (that is, if dew can pool. Im thinking this sensation has to do with my heated blanket.) I open my eyes, and see this girl off in the distance. Shes singing and dancing, and i am almost convinced i know who she is, just by that voice, but as she draws nearer im not so sure. One night shes been blonde with short hair, another night shes been a really long haired red head, another night, she looked exactly like a friend of mine, but everytime i draw nearer to her, she begins to blur and fade and all her features become a blur (kinda like the guys suits in a scanner darkly) I try and touch her, by my had moves right through her skin, and she feels like a plasma of sorts. She leads me to this swampy river thing, and convinces me to come in with her. She swims with me for a while, and we laugh and flirt and i feel like im the happiest ive ever been. Then all of a sudden, the girl turns into my motherish looking person, and she grabs me by my hair and pulls me down to the very bottom of the swamp, ties me with sea weed, and leaves me there. I expect to drown, but i dont, I can breath just fine. I struggle, but usually i give up. Im sorrounded with a bunch of other people, all tied in seaweed aswell. Lilys there, and so is Laura and a few others. I begin to cry, and someone reaches over to hold my hand. Its been a different person each night also. One night it was Elena, another it was Britt, last night was the most intense ive ever had this dream and (whit'll get a kick out of this) i look over to see Connor holding my hand and telling me "itll be all ok muff, ill take care of you." and then everything goes black and i just sit there, holding whoever it is im with. And then its over.

In addition to this one, Ive had a various amount of dreams taking place in school, one in which i get chai dumped on my head, and i run crying to my locker; another where Elena is keeping a dead body in her locker and Im trying to get her to dispose of it. Theyve always been horrifying, and generally, i wake up in this horrible tear stricken shock.

In case anyone was wondering, this is why i havent been able to sleep lately. This is why Ive been such a blank canvas lately, because i cant seem to do anything but rerun this dream over and over in my head, substituting many people in each situation in my mind.

Clearly, I have a fear of loosing Lyn, someone who cares for me and has been such a role model to me, most of all, i think i fear blindly loosing her. Letting her slip out from under my nose without my knowledge. My mystery girl has a few identities. All of which relate to my fear of not knowing the true her and being unaware of the pain she may cause me, or already has caused me. Yet, her mystery is something that aparently continues to draw me to her, pull me into a trap of happy frolicking in the swamp. My mother, obviously my frusteration with her desire to control me, and have power over me, but i also think she represents a paranoia of me dating someone just like her, this is why mystery girl changes into her, instead of my mother just appearing as a seperate figure. As whit has said, her dragging me to a deeper darker place simply symbolizes me fearing things will be worse (without my mother and without whoever the girl truly is) without her in my life, but the ability to breath shows me it will be better here with the people i love. Elena holding my hand, Britt holding my hand, Obvious. Both my best friends, both people i desire to be closer to, to hold and to be held by and be loved by. Connor baffeled me for a bit, especailly the fact he shows up so strongly, but ive decided that he represents my desire to be held and protected by someone more strong and less vunerable than i. Because Connor seems to be the only boy Im somewhat interested in in the moment, he substituted himself into that position, possibly attempting to show me that not all men are going to physically or emotionally hurt me, and that perhaps, its ok to love a man aswel. The fact that he calls me Muff just makes me laugh.

All this is clear to me, its the other stuff, the deeper stuff, that i cant seem to figure out. Why have i been so stressed lately? What is it thats tearing me up inside, thats caused me to withdraw from ever single one of my friends and take on this low confidence persona, that i know is not who i am. Why? What is it? I cant really seem to figure out why ive feel so beaten up, so depressed. Why i feel neglected and hurt and used, but its just something im feeling. Its as if i cant let anyone through the wall anymore, because if they cant see in, they never have to know the truth. And that, that comforts me. And, dont get me wrong (pretty sure this is a required disclaimer) I am content with some aspects of wahts going on, greatly. Overall, i just cant seem to find me though.

I give you props for reading this far, so i will end here. Goodnight and Goodluck. Sweet dreams to you, we know how mine'll be.